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Showing posts with label self. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self. Show all posts

Friday, September 21, 2012

Dis-Integrating | For the love of pancakes . . .

What am I doing here?
_____________________________

Paro Taktsang Monastery, Bhutan
Right now, I'd like to be here. Away from thought. Away from noise. Away from stimulus. Away from the world.


I just want to be. And do. I don't want to think. Ruminate. Digest.

Just act. Experience.

I want to go hike. My body tells me first I must eat. I want to be beyond all that. Those things that tie me to the form.

Integrating or disintegrating, I want to be outside of feeling inside.

And I ask myself: what am I doing here, in this space. With these words and these thoughts. Carved out in ether.

And the answer is always this:
Angkor Wat

Whether my secrets be held in by mud or not. Whether they be secrets at all.

Artist's struggle. Human struggle. This is life.

And I want to live. Not watch.
-|jaMMXIIcpy|- © Jn Anise 2012

.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The End of E

Weeki Wachee spring, Florida
Toni Frissell, 1947, Public Domain

We were stories
pockets

We were stones
on a shoal

Ever floating, ever sinking
Under tide of our patrols
We were pieces
Familiar
We were actors
We were wholes

Thursday, July 12, 2012

To Live & Fuck Up in LA

"I am seeking. I am striving. I am in it with all my heart." -Vincent van Gogh

I've been in LA nearly 9 months now. And it's been a good time: open, productive, inviting. I've loved LA. I love LA. It took 3 visits to stick, but it feels like home. And during these 9 months, I have made an unseemly number of blunders. One after another. My time in LA has essentially been a long series of wonder and fuck-ups layered together.

9 months: a dense, condensed fish bowl experience of "normal" time. Almost like a college "year." Slightly unreal but also full of the hard lessons--the ones you need to learn.

I have made mistakes on the job, with friends, with others, and mostly with myself.

On the Wall
© 2012 Jennifer Anise
And that's life for you. Missteps. Good times. Change. Growth. Recognizing your hindering patterns. Deciding to change (them).
I've mentally chalked these 9 months as a gestation period, in the hopes that I'm about to emerge fully (re-)formed. An Athena springing forth from Zeus's head. Jennifer 3.0.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Cocooning & Why I Write

"Be silent, or say something better than silence." -Pythagoras

It often takes me eons to write something, from idea to tangible product, because writing like editing, I find all-consuming. It takes a lot to get to a space of wanting to formally write, to compile and effuse, to revisit the past when trying to live in the present.1 Sometimes, the inspiration is lost before it can be explored. In effect, those tableaux are abandoned.

It is always there though. It's in my nature and in my blood. I could quite literally write all day, every day. I have favored staying busy with work and the outside world to counter that sort of eternal internal existence. I made a choice. *I* had to choose.

Malibu Paddle Surfing
© 2012 Jennifer Anise
But it remains. It is always there, lingering. The need to write. The sense of obligation, to myself, to get it out. For me.

So, while I continue to mull over this misfit love exposition I've been ruminating on for 6 weeks, I've discovered reinforcement in aphorisms. Culled here (mostly from tinybuddha) and related to things I have written before.



Saturday, December 31, 2011

Text of the Year

The Text of the Year, received from a friend/colleague before the start of a recent show where I'd unexpectedly be working a position I'd never worked:

"No panic, kiddo. We're in it together. We're not gonna let you get buried."

And with that, I submit: there are people out there who do and will believe in you. Who will stick their necks out for you.
You will find your opportunities.
Go and seek them.

Artists and aspirants:
Keep faith. Believe in yourself.


And My 2011 Roundup:
Most (positively) salient of 2011:
1) A friend asked for one of my eggs ... if I was amenable. [This did not disturb me.]
2) I got to work Electric under Vance Trussell, chief lighting technician of Pulp Fiction, twice. [He clearly loves gaffing and got to do some beautiful, genius work on that 2nd show. It's remarkable to watch and be involved with inspiration like that.]
3) I learned I was selected to volunteer at the 2012 Independent Spirit Awards.
4) Like every year, I saw new things, met great people, and had some good laughs.


Here's to welcoming the great new of 2012.

Sunday, July 10, 2011

You Do It For You

"To dare is to lose one's footing momentarily. To not dare is to lose oneself." -Soren Kierkegaard

This, you do it for you. You do not do it for "them." I was just telling one of my friends this. He decided to quit music. Out of frustration. Out of lack of . . . recognition.

It's hard. I have said it over and over: it is hard to do this. It's hard to do anything, but it's hard to do something so personal, put it out there, and be forever judged for it. Even if it's not ideal to you. But especially when it is. Like standing naked in the middle of Times Square asking for a physical rating for a living. In art, it's all a bit like talking into the ocean. Or standing waiting to be egged.

To create can be like a death.

But good, bad, or ugly, you put what you have out. You don't grow by being silent or unseen.


"Quand on prend des risques, on peut perdre. Quand on n'en prend pas, on perd toujours."1 -Joueuse (Queen to Play)


Character: "If any sound can be music, how can you differentiate between sound and noise?" Adrian: "Because noise is unwanted sound. It could be Beethoven's 5th if that's not what you want to hear."

Saturday, July 09, 2011

Imploding

You know that song "It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp"? Well, it's hard out here for anyone. I try to stay thematic and impersonal, but I'm imploding. Constantly. Regardless of what may seem to be.

It is hard. It is hard to stay focused in a vacuum. Encouraged in a desert. With the loom of bankruptcy around you. Human, artistic, societal, financial--pick your pleasure. With everyone hedging their bets, offering little support, giving you no outlet, being political. Or just plain unmoved or uninterested. Even your own friends, acquaintances, collaborators. It's like having the oxygen cut off on your breathing tank. All I get is the air of "What can you do for me?" Or worse, "Can I get into bed with you?" Agendizing. Networking. Strategizing. I don't feel the personal in it.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Dreamkilling

I read of review--no, a talk piece for the authors triggered by the latest news broadcast movie Morning Glory. It starts: "Morning Glory is no Broadcast News, but . . ." The first part is correct. The rest, inconsequential. You can fill in your own "but." Morning Glory is no Broadcast News.

. . . But . . .
it's a story about an underdog fighting for a pursuit she believes in when few do.
But it's a story about a man caught between his sense of principle and legacy and the fluff of modern "news."
But it's about compromise. Making choices.
But but but . . .

Within the first 10 minutes, the writer plants this seed: "You had a dream. Great. When you were 8, it was adorable. When you were 18, it was inspiring. At 28, it's officially embarrassing. And I just want you to stop before we get to heartbreaking." From mother to daughter. This is your main character's obstacle. The hook.

Within a few scenes of this, you'll know everything that's going to come in the movie. Actually, you already know from the trailer alone. But these lines were so simply poignant that I couldn't help but want to go where the story wanted to take me.